Something New

Does anyone else ever get this feeling that of complete dissatisfaction with everything about yourself? I have to say that I've never experienced such a strong loathing for my wardrobe before; but now I'm at a point where I just sit on the floor in my underwear, refusing to put on any of those garments hanging beside me because I cannot stand them. I feel so uncool in what I do wear, and when I wear "in-style" things I feel even lamer. I've had some of my clothes for way too long but nothing "new" really interests me either. Ugh. That's just the start. I'm sick of my hair color, my eye color, my skin color, my name, my language, my memory. I just want to pinch some part of my forehead and pull my whole skin off and throw it out and redo myself. It's such a terrible feeling. I've never been so unsettled about myself— at least my outer self. Maybe it's because I don't get to show my inner self as much as I used to. Sweden is a very introverted place and the outside is sometimes all you get of people. Pretty sad, especially when you find yourself wishing you looked differently. I bought some hair dye yesterday— not going to say what color just yet. I've never done that in my life. I'm 21 and that felt kind of like a stupid, forbidden thing. Why? I totally shouldn't feel guilty about that. But I kind of do. Maybe my teen years, in which I should have gotten all of this rebellious behavior out, were just over-suppressed by my parents and I never had the chance to be a little wild. So now I'm completely dissatisfied and feel like being extreme. So watch out, here I come. Today thoughts of tattoos, nose piercings, hair colors, weird shoes and that stuff was rolling through my head, all the while my mom's voice came out from my subconscious and bashed me for "needing all that bullshit, because you're already so beautiful blah blah blah blah blah..."It's really strange to be experiencing such a desire to make myself over. I do like my natural hair color but like I said, I wish I could just unzip my outer persona like a onesie and toss it in the laundry for a while, before I get old and proper— I realize that I am too proper for my own liking. Ahhhh this makes my fingers itch and want to scratch and my legs are getting restless and my face itchy and I just want something NEW... okay, time to dye that hair....