Autumnal Epiphany

Today was saturated with an incredible peace; a notion that every element, plant, animal, lump of clay, exhaled breath even, was in some sort of harmony with life. I felt enlightened walking to and from work. It started with a father on the bus this morning, who so clearly loved his baby. It was a precious sight to behold, the enchanted, paternal bond. I think my father looked at me like that when I was a baby. I feel it some days, out of the blue—a little message in my throat that he did or does love me— or at least I hope that. My shoulders felt like they were sparkling and I couldn't help but let my face stretch into a smile, one that reached from somewhere far behind my eyes, out into the whole world, to connect with anything and everything.

From that moment on, everything was wrapped in beauty and perfection. Every single thread of life was woven into a perfect, morphing tapestry of some powerful, clay of zest and purpose. I'm exasperated at this very moment because I can't find better words to describe it. I want to clench my fists and pull them down towards my lap with a squeeze of my abs and scream, "d'ahhh!" because everything felt so right and I can't tell you why! The world was like one perfect, organic orb of magic and life and every speck was in it's right place and the right time and just unified into a silently buzzing glob of "WHOOOOO," I say, wide-eyed and with open, grasping hands beside my cheeks.

The birds hovered in a different way than usual, they seemed to anticipate the coming winter with a peaceful acceptance and an understanding that life isn't coming any sort of end, or final death but that it is just going through a cyclical resting period and everything will be back. They flitted over a homey garden on the side of the road, as if embroidering their stories into the air with invisible wisps of thread which they carried between their breaths. Their feathers melted with the crisp sky into a sort of pink haze, although the sky was definitely blue and awake. (Yes, I know this sounds a bit hippie-trippy but I can't find better words...) The birds were awake. Their feathers were awake. The sky was awake. The yellow and brown fallen birch leaves, which blanketed the crusty ferns in a leaf wool were awake, even in their sleeping state. The smell of apples was awake. I was awake. I am awake.

This is definitely reflective of my own view of the coming winter. I'm looking forward to it, despite the fact that it will probably be horrible. But horrible is so relative and dependent on one's mindset. I feel like nothing can be horrible if we don't let it. If I tell myself that I will have a good day, then I will. If I stay buoyant and grateful than nothing can tear down my contentment. Although it is already very cold (today it was 7°C inside the cafe where I work—good thing I'm in the kitchen all day baking and cooking around the oven) and walking home in the post-rain darkness is kind of bone-crackingly chilly, I am looking forward to the drop into the arctic temperatures. I think that I've grown up quite a bit since my experience in Germany. I was clearly a dumb 18-year old. Now I'm a slightly-less-dumb-almost-21-year old and hopefully I'll get it right[er] this time. I think I'm well on my way, because having an epiphany on a random Wednesday in late September is kind of special. As I've said before, Septembers are difficult to gauge. I sometimes experience horrors and sometimes I love them. This September has been awesome—especially today.

Life is magical. What is it anyway? Have you ever stopped to think really, really  hard about what the earth is? Like what is this planet that we live on? It's so bizarre. Sitting on the bus home, I was jotting down some thoughts and I tried to find a noun to describe the earth. Entity is too boring. Creature is too animalistic. Monster has negative connotations. Oyster just doesn't work. Mother only does it half justice because clearly the world has some fatherly stuff going on, holding it all together. Marble is lifeless. Orb only describes shape but not the potent glue that swirls in and around and through it. Dough. Clay. Morphing mass of energy and light and time and feelings and thoughts and perfect juxtaposition of every sip of air and sliver of thought. WTF are we?!  It's such a freaky thought when you're sitting on a bus that's being driven by somebody else and you see the world as a glob of unrivaled connections and everything makes sense but there is no way to explain it. Ah it's MAGIC!

Having those thoughts on a random Wednesday evening after work is kind of an overwhelming experience. I haven't chemically induced this state of mind at all, but wow it was a lucid sort of trip. All the people that I looked at seemed so beautiful and somewhere I wish that everybody could experience a moment or two of this seeing-life-as-perfect-for-what-it-is feeling, because then I think we could breathe a mutual peace and just drop the bullshit we've got going. I almost have to laugh at our societies for the way we stress ourselves out over money and business and buildings and whatever else, because we have all the answers we need. There's nothing left to find. Life is already perfect and we are lucky enough to be a part of it. All of the life that we know is woven together into a rope that defies our dimensions. It spells out further than we can comprehend but in every moment it has reached a perfect harmony with everything else. I think I have to stop before I start thinking about calculus because that's where my mind is headed right now.

Too many thoughts. I can't keep them straight right now. Peace.