9°

Yesterday it hit me for the first time. The window panes were icy to touch, my toes felt a bit blue, and at 4:30 in the afternoon I had to rip myself out of the house before "darkness" hit. It has finally started to rain. I'm actually very excited about this fall and winter. No Swede will probably hear me say that ever again, "I can't wait for winter!" Hah, it sounds kind of ridiculous but I am looking forward to it. I can't quite believe that I would ever, ever, ever, say those words again. Yesterday I got a tiny little twinge of fear in my belly and muttered to myself, "Oh shit! What have I gotten myself into?" But that apprehension lasted only a few moments before I reminded myself that winter doesn't mean the end of life. I always took it as a death, and putting life on hold for a few months. I think that was the mistake that I made in Germany. Life isn't on hold. Clearly I'm still breathing, eating, blinking and what a shame it would be to say that for those 7 cold months I wasn't alive. I can now enjoy candle-lit breakfasts in bed, with my toes snuggled under my duvet. I can actually wear tights and boots and shiver a bit under my coats. That's a wonderful feeling in a way, to actually appreciate clothing. I've been so spoiled, to have lived my whole life (almost) in a bikini. Okay, about 8 years of my life have been spent in cold places, Germany and San Francisco, but still...

The thing is, that I've almost always complained about the heat in Florida and Hawaii. Ugh, it actually hurts my body to think about it right now. I can't imagine being in a place so humid and hot that sweat forms beneath bare backsides of knees after 5 minutes of sitting in a classroom. Appalling! I have always said that San Francisco has the perfect climate for me. It's rarely hits freezing, but keeps a nice chill. That being said, it's foggy and windy and kind of gloomy. Right now Stockholm is at 9° celsius, which might hit an SF night. Still, it feels reminiscent of some of the best times in my life.

The sun is now setting at 6:59, which seems like a normal time, by Hawaii standards, but in comparison to the sunset in June, it's almost 5 hours earlier. That's a big drop in light. But I still feel the light inside, corny as it may sound. I have an incredible strength this winter around and I think I will swell myself like a hot air balloon and ride over the misery of whatever lies ahead. Misery. That's just a word that seemingly every Swede will throw at me when I mention this to be my first "Swedish Winter." Miserable. Unbearable. Hell. Great, thanks for the moral support. It's like they're giving me a last chance to give the country the boot! No, thank you, but I'm staying!

As soon as winter hit in Germany I was miserable. But I was lonely, living in a soulless cell, working with illness and touching dead bodies in the evenings, after which I'd take the bus alone to my cell of a home. Who wouldn't  get depressed and hate winter forever more?

But Stockholm is different. I love it here. I have my friends to keep the cheer up. We've already begun making plans to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving (in non-traditional ways), to have massage-parties, cultural gatherings, art-gallery exhibitions, poetry readings... We're keeping ourselves alive. We paint, write, cook together and will find a way to keep the light this winter. There's no point in letting the idea of death and depression in. Why succumb to the misery when we have the breath in our lungs and the moisture in our eyes to continue on our paths?

Yes, I'm excited about this winter. Excited by my own crazy decision to give it another chance. And all this talk of winter is still a bit premature. We've only just gotten to autumn! Time to appreciate that season. And I have to say, it's one of my favorites, however brief it might be.

But, enough chatter of chilliness. I must be off to work, and put my already-pale typing fingers to rest. My tan is as good as gone, but I still have a few layers of melanin-tainted skin to shed before I find that true skin tone. I think if I were to spend 3 years out of the sun, I'd be pretty pasty underneath all of this tropical living I've been doing.

Peace.