I wonder why I'm always sad here. Hello, It's paradise! Well, not exactly. I've never understood how a place so beautiful and warm could trigger such serious episodes of depression in me. Whenever I'm here I feel like I have no purpose, no future and that I'm not where I want to be. I am extremely lonely, despite the island being too crowded for its own good. I've approached this land from many perspectives, many attempted mindsets and with a lot of self-encouragement to find the best in it, but in the end, I am not happy here.
It might be because of the influence of my family, but even without their presence I feel a longing that I can't quench. This feeling is quickly replaced by a numbness that I spin, like a protective cocoon around myself. I've gotten so good at this, that I don't even realize when it happens. Following the oh-so-cliche metaphor, I am about to burst out like a brilliant butterfly and let my wings be filled with a wind that lightens my colors and dries the tears of my cocoon-dew. Fjäril; one of the most beautiful Swedish words I've ever heard. Fjäril, Fjäril, Fjäril. I fly just whispering the word.
I'm technically supposed to wake up in three hours to catch a flight to Stockholm, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to sleep. I'm excited, exhausted and nervous all at the same time. I've packed up the most important elements of my life into a normal-sized suitcase, a tiny suitcase, an even tinier duffle bag and a backpack. The rest of my belongings are packed away into storage containers and my room looks like it could be rented out (I've heard rumors that my mom wants to turn it into a giant walk-in-closet.)
I've left.
When I look around me I am excited to be leaving, ready to taste a new kind of life. One where I pretty much will have to support myself and figure out where to work, live, study in a new country. I've done it before, but it was different, because everything in Germany was already set up for me. This time I'm going solo. I think I'll manage. I trust myself to figure things out.
Yes, I'm excited to be leaving my old life behind, but at the same time it makes my shins shiver a bit, and my stomach twist. It makes me kind of sad that I actually could care less what my parents think. They support me making my own choices, but I think that's just what they say. If they had it their way, I would support them forever. In a way I'm turning my back a bit, because it's time for me to live my life, instead of helping out with theirs. I feel like a bad daughter sometimes, but I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just running away from home, but I've "run away" to lots of different places, and none give me the feeling of contentment like Sweden does, so it can't be all that wrong. Gotta go with that gut feeling.
Two and a half hours of potential sleep left. Now the twisting in my stomach is turning into mild nausea from exhaustion. I've been cleaning all day (actually all week) because I have to lock the house up for three weeks. My parents aren't here to see me off, which makes leaving easier in one way, but extremely difficult when it comes to overseeing an operation. Not only am I responsible for moving myself to another country, but for babysitting my nearly 15-year-old sister (a nightmare!) and dropping her off in San Francisco tomorrow, also for making sure that the whole house is clean and can be left in vacation mode (that includes finding somebody to feed the fish, water the plants, have the post office hold the mail, empty the fridge, take out the recycling and trash, scrub everything, do all the laundry, and have everything put away, unplugged and off.) Try doing that with a 15-year-old, sweaty, hormonal, chip-chomping skater girl in your face all day. Vacuuming is pointless. Forget cleaning the floors. Believe it or not, teenage girls also smell like teen spirit (or other weird hormones) and mask that smell with cheap perfume. Yuck. On top of that I've been running a hundred errands for my parents, making returns, new purchases etc etc etc. I've had to deal with orthodontists and police officers in a single evening. All while trying to grasp the fact that I am moving to another country without any concrete plans and I'm terrified and really need time and space to think about this!!
The best thing in this situation though, is just to go with the flow. I've adopted the part of the soccer mom. Like, NO joke. I have been a seriously stressed out yet loving soccer mom for the past two weeks and it's been a great learning experience. I empathize with all parents out there, especially those dealing with teenagers! I think somebody needs to invent a hormonometer, so that the extreme wafts of drama that teens exude can be processed and read in a scientific manner, and paint a visual picture for those who don't know what I'm talking about. It might not be the best idea to hold that device in my house though, because the levels that my sister gives off might just shatter it. Well, in the end I love my sister and would go out of the world for her. But now Mama-Julia is tossing the whistle and the laundry basket and is about to fly!
Time for an Adventure! Thanks for everything you've given me Hawaii, sorry it never worked out. If it was meant to be, I'm sure things would have turned out differently. Sweden, I hope you're ready to welcome and embrace me with your yellow and blue.
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