PANIC

I had a mini panic attack today. The last time I remember having such high levels of anxiety was either the afternoon after my high school graduation, or last december, when I decided to quit studying medicine. I'm not sure exactly what set it off, and that's got me worried.

I woke up relatively early for a Sunday morning, had coffee and a great chat with my mom and then drove to Palolo to visit Honolulu Farms again. On my way there I realized I was reaching reserve-gas and needed to tank up– this bothered me very much. I hate getting gas. It makes me feel like the biggest hypocrite ever. Every day I hate my car more and more, and wish that it would dissolve. At the same time, I enjoy driving. Fast. In any case, I got gas in Kaimuki and then stopped at two different hardware stores to look for "Menehune Magic" organic potting soil. Neither store carried it. One of the women working at store number 2 actually laughed at the name, which surprised me because it's really not that funny. Menehune is a pretty commonly heard word around here, and magic, well that's really not any spookier a name than "Miraclegro©" so I felt a bit taken aback. I left the store rather disappointed and drove up into Palolo valley.

Dozens of trucks whooshed down the hill, and I was so sensitive to the noise of the doppler effect "nnNNNnn" that I almost felt like I couldn't focus on the road. My hair was tickling my face, my sunglasses made me feel caved in, and I had to force myself to breathe. It was scary. I continued to drive, up, up those bumpy dirt roads, and at every dangerous turn I begged that there wouldn't be a truck zooming down at me. All I wanted to do was crawl into a very dark, damp, cool cave, and curl up. I was scared of myself.


 I tried to brush off the feeling as I arrived at the farm. There were hardly any people around and the farmer's wife set me to picking strawberry guavas. I traipsed off to the side of the so-called road and harvested a basketful, and got another handful of mosquito bites, including one right between my eyebrows. All the while, I felt as though the mountain was pulling me into some vortex of bad, dark energy, like Hansel & Gretel being lured to some evil gingerbread house in the forest. I have never felt so afraid of nature. I don't like water at night, but that's about it. The woods have never bothered me, and I almost always stray from the path without any problems finding my way back to the trail. I wasn't even in the woods, just on the side of the road, yet I was so penetrated by some strange force that I was genuinely disturbed.

I instantly felt claustrophobic and had to get the f*ck outta there. I quickly went back to the house, washed the guavas and left them to dry. I got into my car without another word and drove down the mountain at the safest-possible lightning-speed. Back onto a true road. Back to reality. Before I hit the main road I had to pull over and call a friend, because I really wasn't sure if I could drive. Was I somehow intoxicated? I wonder if perhaps too many strawberry guavas can be poisonous?

I managed to drive home, but couldn't sit still for nearly 3 hours. I vacuumed and cleaned everything in my house, picked flowers for table arrangements, baked bread, roasted carrots, took care of my plants, walked to the pool to relax but couldn't because of all the children... I felt so bothered and completely neurotic but now I think I'm finally back to normal. I don't know what overcame me, but I never want to go back that far into that valley again.

My nice, safe salad at home...