Toxic

I feel like the little boy from The Velveteen Rabbit. I caught the flu that had been plaguing one of my co-workers this entire week. I've only been this sick twice in my life before; once during the Millenium celebration in Germany (yes, I missed the fireworks) and once last year after months of high stress, and sleep/food deprivation. Since then, I've caught the cold once, and that from seriously poor judgement during the get-to-know-each-other weekend party at a hostel in Germany from my semester at med school. We were drunk for about 48 hours straight, had a hookah session in the 0° C chilly October night, and did yoga on some ping-pong tables in the courtyard behind the hostel. What were we thinking? I would say that at least two thirds of the semester was out for a week and a half. That's about 160 people. Class was not postponed. That was just a normal cold/cough though. What my body is hosting at the moment is on a completely different level. My body is switching from hot to cold faster than I can even comprehend, so I'm letting myself sweat beneath tons of blankets and jackets, in hopes of letting my fever break, or develop, I'm not sure, as my body is being so indecisive. What I never understood was why the flu carried fever as one of its symptoms, as flus are caused by viruses.... It's confusing, but I don't have the brain power to argue that point right now.

My brain rattles with every cough and my lungs are furious. Yesterday I couldn't find coverage at work, and so I held in my cough for 5 hours, with a quick run to the bathroom so I could get in a few minutes of relief. I was wheezing the whole time. But I'm not about to sputter into other people's food and pass this germy monster on. 


I have to say, I told myself so. See, stupid antibiotics weaken the immune system. I only took two pills out of the three-week dose I was prescribed, but that was enough to knock out my defenses. I'm not going to say that antibiotics are bad in all cases, because they definitely have their rightful place in medicine, but prescribing them as a "precautionary" medication seems absurd to me. I just don't get how doctors can be so out of touch. All I can do in this case is let out an exasperated sigh and shake my head sadly.


I'm just laying in my bed, feeling toxic, probably spreading my disease onto every fuzzy surface in my room. I keep kicking people out for their own good, not to be mean, but "GET OUT, you don't want what I have." Good thing my parents aren't the type to take my sheets and stuffed animals and burn them, the way the parents in The Velveteen Rabbit did. I can't imagine how horrible that little boy must have felt. After doing my senior project on comfort items and their importance to the wellbeing of children, I am happy to still have a bear in my presence. He doesn't mind if I cough all over him, well he probably does, but he's forgiving. Haha, no... I don't know if teddy bears actually do anything for the body, but psychologically I think there is some support, especially for children. 

The one nice thing about being sick is that it provides perspective. We take our health for granted, at least I do because I never get sick. It also gives us a chance to find compassion for those who have worse illnesses than the common flu. I feel pretty terrible right now, but I can't even imagine what people with chronic diseases and cancer must feel like. I can't hardly get out of bed and the slightest twitch of my sheets sends pain all throughout my body, but then I have to think of Emilia, the "Mama" from the farm I worked on in Sweden. She had multiple cancers that had already progressed to nearly untreatable stages, yet she got up every morning and took care of the tomatoes, and the other greenhouse plants. She helped in the cafe, and did whatever other little things she could do. She wasn't even aware that it was cancer that was afflicting her. For the longest time we thought it was Lyme's disease from a nasty tick bite. In times like these, where I feel like I might as well die and it wouldn't make the slightest difference, I remember Emilia's incredible strength. That's enough to make me not complain or whine about a pathetic flu and just pick myself up already.