The Years Flutterby

It seems to be butterfly season in Hawaii. The monarch caterpillars have spun themselves into those charming green chrysalises that hang off of fences and roof-overhangs, and have now broken free to fly in the glorious blue Hawaiian sky.

It also is spring break, which means that I've been up to my ears in babysitting. The nice part about this new family that I'm working for, is that they have a little girl. Surprisingly I've hardly ever taken care of girls-- I suppose that they are usually behaved enough to go with their parents to work and so forth, whereas little boys need the full attention of a sitter, so as not to run into the raging street while chasing pigeons or beating up their little brothers. So now I finally have had the chance to access the little-girly-girl within me, and speak in a high, sing-song voice about things that are sooo cute and beautiful, and sparkles and cuddles and puppies and BUTTERFLIES!

Awesome Waldorf Crayons

A 2-hour art project by Olivia and me. Titled: "Piko the Snail," includes a twinkle-twinkle parody that goes, "Piko, Piko, Piko the Snail. Olivia found him on a forest trail."

My playing-with-little-boys voice tends to be more, well, boyishly enthusiastic. Lot's of gruff exclamations like Boo-Gah-Pow-Bam-Beep-Beep-Zoom-Vroom-Vroom-Woosh, and stories of dragons and knights. It is definitely fun to be the zombie that's gonna eat the kids, or the horse that gives rides to the "Hero" who's going to win the race. In a few lucky cases, I've watched boys who were equally interested in knights and bugs, and in dancing to silly songs and being cuddly book-readers. But much of the time the male genes shone bright and clearly in: "look at me throw my food" and "nana nana boo boo, I'm gonna go shi-shi on the floor!" No doubt though, boys are pretty awesome.

We made butterfly masks

A Pink Butterfly in my ROOM! :)

Butterflies drawing 

But this week I've had a rare treat in watching a girl who asked to fold my laundry, went on hour-long flower-picking/ snail collecting treasure hunts, asked me to kiss her boo-boos and wanted to play house. We sang more than we talked, dressed like fairies with butterfly wings and reenacted the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly about a hundred times. We collected imaginary caterpillars and put them safely under the blankie so that they could sleep for a while. We baked pink easter cookies (bunnies, butterflies, chicks, eggs), and decorated them with sprinkles. We cut open an apple the "wrong" way and found a beautiful star inside. We colored bright pictures of butterflies, snails, dragonflies, and sunsets. I was asked for a hug and a kiss at every nap-time, bed-time and good-bye.

Took my sister flower-picking (she being the grumpy 13-year old was mortified and thoroughly irritated thereafter)

I, myself, have skated between girly-girl and not, over the years, and I suppose I ended up somewhere in between. There is time for butterfly wings and dresses, and plenty of time for dirt and being outside. I guess through babysitting I've been able to relive my childhood a bit, and since I've mostly watched boys, I've come close with my sticks and stones/ muddy butt side. And all of a sudden I've been reminded that I used to LOVE pink and purple and wore my hair in glittery hairpins. I feel as if I've been watching myself as a little girl, this past week, as if I were my mother, watching me. It's a really weird feeling.

It's scary because I realize, also, how fast time has gone by. I definitely feel some years in between myself now, and myself in kindergarten, but the process of changing from a 5 year old into a near-20 year old seems to not exist. What happened? I never noticed that my imagination disappeared, or that everything was once so easy and done for me. I don't remember when I stopped taking naps, or when I started preparing my own food. God, time just flew by. It's a scary but really interesting thing to note.

I'm probably a 5th through with my life, which isn't too much, but there's still a bit of mid-life-crisis stirring up inside of me. That life "flashing before one's eyes" feeling struck me yesterday afternoon. We are all on our "path" called life. I tried not to over philosophize or drain myself of reason, but it's pretty freaky. We all have one life to live (or more, who really knows, but at this point I'll go with one) and we have ALL the freedom to choose how we're going to do that. Yes, there are laws which "civilize" us and organize our priorities and purposes into norms. But basically we're left with a blank canvas. As long as we incorporate our basic-survival needs, we have a full palette of opportunity. We can study, work, travel, play, act, sing, build, break, make, color. Community, alone, shared, married, single, artistic, critical.... oh my god. That is beyond cool. We can do anything. Be anything. Go anywhere. And we have 80 nice years to do it (if we take care of ourselves.) So once again, my question is why in the world do we put so much pressure on these societal "norms" that aim to mold us into something particular. It's like the blueprint to boredom.

Picked some random weeds/ flowers so that the annoying gardeners of my neighborhood won't have to resort to chemical herbicides/pest control. In an empty balsamic vinegar bottle that I didn't throw away because it was too pretty.

The more time I take to figure out what to do with my life (and I'm saying that in a very positive tone in my head) the more I realize to screw the stupid system and just do my own thing. Live off the grid, out of the prison that so many of us seem to crawl into, willingly, or better put, ignorantly. I'm going to learn how to make really good goat cheese. And maybe I'll write a cookbook. Maybe I'll just wear my butterfly wings everyday, everywhere. Trying my best not to sound like an obnoxious hipster... but I'll just do my own fricken thing. Life is too short for playing following-the-leader, drawing inside the lines and classifying things. Blueprint to Boredom or Wings to Exploration? I choose wings, what about you?