It's been a long and winding past six months but they have flown by in the blink of an eye. It seemed like yesterday that I was expressing my anxieties over possibly returning to university. Did I ever mention that I got into the program I had applied to and embarked on my full-time studies this August? I will not say that my anxieties were unwarranted, and they still do come up time to time, but overall going back to school was the best decision I've made in a long time. This time it feels right, despite all the challenges that go along with it. I am genuinely happy to be back in school. In a 23-person class with like-minded people, a beautiful campus and some great teachers.
Nonetheless life has been anything but easy. To start off with, I have not yet been eligible for any financial aid (grant or loan) from the Swedish government, and though university is completely free, (besides books) I have to pay rent somehow, right? Most people who study in Sweden get paid an automatic grant of a few thousand kronor (around $350) per month, just for being students. Then there's the option to take a loan for up to about $1200 per month. This is more than enough to live comfortably in Sweden, though some would disagree. I guess I am just comfortable living with much lower expenses than some, so this is a rather subjective view. Either way, I haven't been eligible for that financial help yet, but will hopefully be able to get some starting in March.
That means I've been working on the side of studying full time. I started off the school year working every weekend and with class 5 days a week. Add in all the extra time the language barrier provides, and I've basically been running nonstop. After October I realized that this was in no way a sustainable living situation, cut down my work to every other weekend, and really started pinching pennies. I have that classic, broke-student thing going for me, but it's actually not so bad. I don't mind having less money to spend on things I don't need. Extra money is just another excuse to feed into the consumeristic black hole of this society. As long as I can cover my basic needs, buy healthy food and have a bit left over for emergencies (and for buying house-plants and bird-food) I'm fine.
Studying Biology and Earth Sciences is awesome. I don't have to go in on how much I love nature and plants and everything to underline that this subject is perfect for me. For the first semester I had geology as the core subject, divided into small blocks. I love the block-system, with an exam at the end of every finished subject, rather than a huge week of exams after a whole term. Now I'm 3 weeks into the second semester and our class has migrated over to the biology department. We had an exam in microbiology yesterday and have started off with cell & molecular biology today. Blech... it's honestly not my favorite. Don't get me wrong, the building blocks of life are super important for understanding the bigger picture, but I really don't want to be an expert in genetics and actually don't care so much how every little protein and enzyme assembles our DNA. Sorry.... I'm just not a lab girl. And I really don't like genetics or other myopic studies of life. It's just too small and unfathomable for me.
But this too shall pass and I will pass this class, just as I've passed all the others. I'm extremely surprised over my results from my exams. After passing only latin (out of 6 classes) with a C, while studying in Germany, I thought that I was surely not a "good" college student, the kind that barely passes classes. That being said, I didn't really dedicate my time to studying or reading my books in Germany because I was so opposed to the language that I couldn't internalize anything. Swedish has become a pretty fluent language for me over the past 6 months and is almost as easy as reading in English. There are obviously words I need to look up but it flows! Anyway, I feel like I've picked up good studying habits and have turned into a little nerd again, with good grades. Hope my parents are proud, because I'm pretty proud of myself. This is possibly the most successful I've ever been. Establishing myself somewhere on the other side of the world, learning the language in less than 2 years to a degree that allows me to study at a scientific institution with relative ease. Pat on the back....
However, all the jubilations over my successes aside, I am pretty tired. On top of school and work, my sister decided after this summer that she also wanted to move to Sweden, and she has! I am SO grateful to have my little bro, as I call her, around. There was nothing that I missed more from Hawaii her. Her move here was nothing short of disastrous, but we're slowly working out the kinks and things are getting better. She lived with us and our roommate for almost 6 months. Our office, where we do our studying, reading, and general brainwork was moved into the living room to give her a room of her own. That's three enormous desks, huge bookshelves and much more out into the open beautiful living room. Our walls are paper-thin. You just try mixing two super in-lust-and-love young people with a teenage-girl who is still quite squeamish about the subject (not the act) of sex. Ha! I've lost count of how many mornings I was met with "OMG, you guys have the loudest sex ever, Jesus fucking Christ are you TRYING to make me puke/jealous/angry?" It was humorous at first but it got old quickly. Our home life had suddenly become a battleground between adulthood and adolescence and I, as the girlfriend/ sister/pseudo-legal guardian felt really conflicted between my loyalties towards her and my boyfriend. I also missed the sanctuary of my healthy, peaceful home, free from teen-indulgences like Pringles, Nutella, Frosted Flakes and the ear-blasting noise of terrible teen-dramas through shitty laptop speakers.
But come Christmas and we'd found a new living arrangement for her and since then the social struggles between us have gotten a lot better. My stress levels have returned to their normally higher-than-normal levels and we have reclaimed our office and living room. I'm still thrilled that my sister lives in the same city as me. Seriously, what's up with tropical princesses moving to the arctic?
Speaking of that. Winter. It had a late start, but was seriously cold for a whole month. Like -10/-15°C with an occasional drop to almost -20. Somehow it wasn't so bad though. We battled the darkness with our stress and with the company of each other and now the sun is back on the rise and Spring is creeping in. We still have a few months to go until the warmth is properly back, but all in good time. The winter has its peaceful charm. But it also comes with holidays packed with sugar, alcohol (though I rarely drink) bread, meat, fish and general excess.
We eat vegan dinners almost every night and are what some call flexitarians. I hate labels and I've said that before. I'm not vegan, vegetarian, pescatarian, paleo, gluten-free or anything else. I choose to live as plant-based as possible but don't feel that restricting my diet is a healthy option for me. Neither for my body, nor for my mind. It's also a dangerous path after struggling with over-strict eat-disorders in the past. A label-free, mostly plant-based diet is pretty great for both the body and the environment, but regardless of what healthy diet one has, there is always a buildup of toxins. Those who don't eat healthy obviously have a lot more gunk in their systems, but even vegans eat processed foods with lots of E numbers and stabilizers and such. I avoid processed foods above all else, and if that means eating butter over margarine, so be it.
No food, no fiber, just freshly pressed vegetable/fruit juices with an effort to keep fruit sugars to a minimum. And lots of herbal tea and water. I couldn't help but keep coffee in the picture, because I am a passionate coffee drinker and couldn't handle a caffeine-withdrawal while in the middle of exams/ school. I am already grumpy from my PMS and soon period that I don't think a coffee-break would do anybody a favor. Not even myself. But that means one cup of coffee in the morning with a tiny dollop of coconut oil (some sort of fat is necessary to be able to absorb compounds such as beta carotene in carrots, and that would be a lot of nutrients going to waste without the oil) and then about 2 liters of juice plus as much tea and water as I feel like. I'm on day two now and I'm feeling extremely drained but good. I slept really well last night, as my digestion had slowed to a bare minimum, giving my body the chance to actually rest. I awoke really rested and ready for the day. Breakfast juice and off to school but the initial insulin rush from the carrots, apples and beets wore off by the time my train came and I gradually got more and more tired the close I got to school.
My 2 hour lecture on genetics was excruciating. My brain really did not want to comply with the drone of codes and amino acids and replication and stuff... I was thrilled to make my way home and not do anything but make a juice for lunch, and then a second one because I was still hungry, refill the bird feeders and watch the little fluffballs zoom around and chirp to the returning sunshine. And sit down and write. I've been meaning to sit and write about my life for the past 6 months but haven't found a spare afternoon to make that happen. And now I don't really have the energy for much else so it's a perfect time. Nobody has been home all afternoon. Just me and my plants and my birds and my thoughts. I'm so tired. I think it's time for a nap soon. We'll see if I get around to updating my blog more often. It's really a shame I've let it drop to the bottom of my list of priorities, because I have so many wonderful thoughts about life that I'd like to share.
For now I'll call it an evening and rest. Even typing becomes exhausting when you're not eating. Want to send out a blessing to all my friends and family around the world. Thanks for reading, for caring, for being part of my life. Namaste.
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