The Scales Have Tipped

What a year it's been! It started out as a nightmarish continuation of 2012, but in May 2013 the scales tipped drastically in my favor. Well, I'm not going to pretend it was an act of kindness from the fates. No, I removed myself from a situation that was nothing but destructive, and then everything got better. I'd like to think that my choice to leave opened the door for all the good things that ensued.

 I had been in a miserable state for the first few months of 2013, the gloom and despair had most definitely carried over from 2012. Last Christmas was when our family drama reached a notable high point and when my sister was "sent away" for a few weeks. Drama, drama, drama. Fighting and crying and close-to-divorce insults spat in every room. My sister and I felt worthless, but our parents ground us so hard that we fought with each other instead of having each other's backs. There was too much stress, too much pressure and not enough love. No signs of love in the family, everyone dealing with their own heartbreaks; my sister's raging teenage hormones, my own 20-year-old life crisis, my mom's mid-life/ pre-menopausal crisis, my dad trying his best not to stir up too much trouble, despite the fact that he's reached retirement age, needs both his knees replaced, is covered in stress-related psoriasis, needs psychological counseling for his PTSD from vietnam, has a broken back and a crazy family to take care of. Props, Dad!

 I was working some 3 or 4 jobs at the same time, and trying to be the housewife for my dysfunctional family. Groceries, dinner, dishes, laundry, vacuuming the carpeted stairs, cars, gas-stations, driving my sister to all the places she needed to go, bills, bank accounts, oh right, and then came April and brought around the season of Taxes. That's when I'd about had enough. I don't even remember if we celebrated Easter last year... I actually don't recollect much, because I know that I hid myself in some protective cocoon to shield myself from all the trauma...And it probably didn't help that I had a partner with whom I shared no values or emotions whatsoever. All on top of not really having any close friends in Hawaii....Good thing I made it out of there.

I went skydiving last New Year's Eve because I thought that the plummet through the ice cold air might cleanse my soul, alleviate some past pain, set a fresh spirit in my bound; and it did for a while, but it didn't last.

Some time around February we experienced that whole raging mold infestation, where we discovered that our home was totally under attack by some strange fungus that made yellow, circular spots on all our furniture, clothing, walls, carpets, books, paintings, you name it. My hours after work and before visiting my asshole boyfriend, were spent squatting in front of my garage, scrubbing every last millimeter of furniture with a toothbrush and a corrosive solution of Oxiclean. My hands suffered silently.

My garden was became lifeline. I think without it I would have seriously jumped ship. Without symmetrical, stable, geometrical patterns of nature, the fibonacci series, the golden ratio, the clear visible signs of life that I'd guided and nourished, I would have been completely lost. My garden was a wellspring of beauty, kindness, patience, good intent and care. I loved my garden more than I loved my parents at the time. My beets and little lettuces and my avocado and papaya trees, and all those thousands of tomatoes I tried to sprout... My attempts to freshen my life reached far beyond my 12'x4' plot, however. I graffitied the backroads of Hawaii Kai with moss, for a greener future. I cultivated and named 7 or 8 sourdough cultures and baked myself into a fantasy. I hiked until my ankles were swollen, and ran and ran and ran and ran but somehow couldn't run away.

I tried to visit California, and see if that was a place for me. But then the worldly pressure of "go-to-college-and-be-successful" crept into my vulnerable, unstable, un-me mind and gripped my soul with panic. What am I going to do with my life?! It undermined my self esteem, and all the hard work I'd been doing. So I decided to take a vacation. Summer vacation to Germany, to visit my grandparents and live with some people who do love me.

I lasted a few weeks with my maternal grandparents, before they reminded me too much of my mom. Then I swapped back and forth between them and my paternal grandparents, before that dragged me down. So I bought myself a ticket to Berlin to visit a friend. I had a little roll-along suitcase, a small duffle-bag and a backpack and off I was. Free from Hawaii, free from the US, free from Bavaria. Going north. Always north, it seems, that I'm going. I spent a few days in Berlin and then booked myself a ticket to Stockholm, via Norway.

That's when things cleared up. The moment I heard those lovely Norwegian voices at Tegel airport I knew the answer to my problems. I actually cried on the shuttle bus between terminals because I felt homer than I'd ever felt before. Scandinavia spoke to me and something inside me clicked. I could feel again, as if my heart had been suspended in glycerol all those years and now suddenly the seal of that jar was broken. At first I couldn't believe I was back in Sweden, and it almost made me sad the minute I got there, because I knew I'd have to be leaving. I celebrated Midsommar, dreamt of a handsome Swedish boy with 7 flowers under my pillow, visited my friends in Järna, took hikes in natural forest reserves, spent time at a real Swedish summer home, picked flowers, found bugs, ate strawberries, and then somewhere along the line I got the idea that I didn't have to move to California with my asshole boyfriend who didn't even recycle, and start studying Environmental Sciences or whatever I was planning to do... I didn't have to do that.

Here I was, free as a cloud, nobody telling me what to do, nobody judging me, nobody casting their religious doctrines down my spine... And I didn't want to go back. On a bus from Tyresta Natural Reserve back to Gullmarsplan, I made my choice, and bought an SL ticket that lasted a month. It was kind of scary as I moved my fingers across the screen to select my ticket. I could have done another week, but no, I chose a month, and so I stayed. And went back to Hawaii get my stuff, and after nearly 3 weeks, I left that place I can no longer really call home with the greatest pleasure. Back to Sweden for a workshop in Järna, and then to a party at Rosenhill where I met my Johannes.

Everything just works out when you listen to yourself. I finally turned myself deaf against all opinions and requirements of others and truly followed my heart to this place; no plans, no place to live, a shred of a job... and what did I get? Amazing friends, a boyfriend who I love more than anyone, a sky that is always beautiful, no matter the temperature or weather conditions, the freshest drinking water I've ever tasted, moss and blueberries all around me, even under the snow and ice, a language that tickles my heart and makes me smile, a place that I can call home, even though we're quite many in this apartment (and I'm so grateful that my friends opened their home to me, because it's really difficult to find housing here) and enough work so that I can support myself in a comfortable manner. And on top of all those basic needs, I've started being creative again and letting go of all those shoulds and shalls. I think I've turned my life around pretty well.

I know that today I smile when I go to sleep, and I sleep without insomnia, without worries, without the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. I'm better than ever and don't take a single day for granted. What a year it's been. From tears of stress and crisis to tears of love and joy... Thanks 2013, for letting me go, letting me grow and supporting me. Welcome 2014 for more goods and bads, more challenges to overcome, more quests and adventures to lead, more hugs to give and more things to learn.