Primal

We've shifted from our primal ways as a society; that much can easily be said. We defy our instincts to follow our circadian rhythms and force ourselves to stay awake, despite the dark. We eat things that we shouldn't. We shame ourselves for our bodies. We swallow pills to make us infertile until we feel like having children. When and if we do have children, it no longer takes a village to raise a them (it actually does, but we pretend to ignore this.) Some of our new practices lock us into odd boxes, that many of us have a hard time seeing through or breaking out of.  But some of the other strange social norms are mere niceties to sugar coat our true intentions, and although they make life kinder in a sense, the reality is brutal when the facades fall down.

Today I seemed to stand in the wake of primal tendencies; some of them enlightening and uplifting, others crushing. How about a positive one first!

Peeing in the woods! I will not deny the fact that our current technology allows for some pretty awesome plumbing tricks and wonderfully hygienic bathroom habits, but there is something so very wonderful about "popping a squat" and peeing in the woods. This method of quick, outdoor urination is much more difficult for women, obviously, but when alone in the woods it is so nice to hear the wind giggle against your butt-cheeks. I had a few hours before working today, and I finished my errands early without enough time to go home, so I headed to Atelier-Stockholm Academy for Realist Art and walked around the neighborhood a bit. The school is located in Bergshamra, a charming little bump of Stockholm, a place that gives me a warm, inner wellspring whenever I'm there. I didn't feel like going to the school an hour before work, but I really had to pee. I thought I'd distract my bladder by just going for a nice promenade around Tivoli, a little nature reserve in that area. I wound up by the water and saw that I still had 45 minutes to go. Then it occurred to me that I was the only soul out there, and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me peeing in the bushes. What a relief! And a nice windy giggle....

On my way back up the hill towards the school, I still had 25 minutes to go, so I walked to a paddock with lots of apple trees and some sheep. Ungulates are among my favorite animals, especially sheep and goats. Their rectangular pupils fascinate me, and they're really quite cute animals. As a child I collected stuffed animal sheep and called them "Butzis." Butzis could never hurt each other or any one else. Their role was to cuddle safely and keep away the monsters. I've only had good experiences with sheep; maybe that is why the following experience was so shocking.

I circled around the paddock to get a good look at all the sheep. I was particularly keen on visiting the black lamb at the far end of the field, which was standing next to what I presumed was its huge white mother. At first it looked like the big white sheep was nuzzling the little black one, as any mother would and should. I started to take a picture, hoping to capture the serene mother-infant moment, and right as the shutter was closing, the big sheep got on top of the lamb and started humping it. When the large sheep dismounted, I saw a long sloppy trail of cum hanging off of his wooly apparatus. Dripping. Fy FAN!!

Poor, docile little lamb :'(

He's like 5 times her size, and turning away like a total douche-bag!

What should have turned into a cute madonna and child image on my camera became something seriously off-putting. I was so appalled that I could taste the bile burning through my system. How could this big, fat, white (now ugly, in my mind) papa sheep rape that little black lamb?! How can that have just happened!?  How can such beautiful animals double as beasts? I mean, I understand mating in its evolutionary sense and that nature does what it does, and that there are animalistic instincts, but I still can't stomach it. I stood there salivating with basic juices until I'd sucked my mouth dry, and adopted a snarling face filled with vile memories of a recent ex of mine: of a time not all too long ago when a phrase that went something like, "Don't make me rape you...I get what I want" cut the evening. Valentine's Day Evening, to be exact. Excuse me, but how does one get over something like that? I seriously considered becoming either a nun or a lesbian after that night. It's atrocious, and yet it's so true. Unfortunately, no matter how much we try to cover up the primal instincts of man, they exist. Tyvärr. I am left with a feeling of hopelessness, followed by nihilism. Anyway... miraculously, I'm not a man-hater altogether, although I often have my doubts. Again, tyvärr. If I can muster up a shred of optimism towards this situation, it would be that the presumed "lamb" was really just a very small adult, a sheep of a different breed, perhaps. Then.. well... hope it had a good fuck. :/

Well, that was the negative, now for another positive:

There's this whole physical shame attached to nudity. I think I've talked about this enough, but today was my 4th time modeling and there was not such much as a shred of awkwardness or shame involved. It was amazing. The only time I noticed that I wasn't wearing clothes was when the window was thrown wide open and the 5°C chill snaked up around my legs. "Ah right, now I feel naked..." During the breaks I had really nice conversations with the artists, we drank tea and chatted about our lives and how we all got to where we are and such. It was like any other completely normal conversation, and I didn't have the slightest feeling that they had all just been staring at me naked for 3 hours. THAT is so beautiful to experience. Truly respectful human beings, acknowledging that bodies are normal and nudity is our basic form and that it doesn't instantly have to come with a sexual connotation. Thank you, artists, for reinstating me with a sense of trust that humans aren't all vulgar beasts, despite the many (I wish I could say 'few') who don't harbor that respect and humanity.

I wonder if we've really "lost" our primal ways, or if we're just distracting ourselves. It's not like men (or women) have lost their sexual urges, we've just banned rape from our society (but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen every day all over the world behind closed doors...) I don't know what I can really say about this. It's kind of a conflicting topic, because in one way, I think we should return to our primal ways, but some our our primal ways (as far as sex is concerned) are kind of repulsive, and I don't want to admit or accept that they really do exists within us. We do have these primal callings. If we don't actually rid ourselves of the sexual ones, then we are not any more civilized than we think and so banning things like nudity and peeing in the woods is kind of ridiculous. I'm not about to bash sex or anything like that, but it's kind of hypocritical to forbid us from swimming in the ocean without suffocating contraptions like bikinis, and make bras a part of "school dress code" and make people continue to work when it's pitch black outside, and yet still accept that we have some primal bedtime urges. It should be all or nothing. If you're going to warrant rape (in every sense of the word), then warrant nude beaches, for god's sake! I'm sick of these ridiculous pretenses. Land of the free, my wind-kissed ass!