A Call to Arnica

I limped home this evening. I just. Can't. Anymore. My leg is going to die, I think. After 4 days of the same pose I pretty much have no power to avoid a mighty collapse at the end of the day. At 12:30 I fell asleep on the metro and somehow drifted through the remaining 2 and half hours of daylight in a sleepy haze. Coffee at 3 and mildly more alert but no less sore. I could have cried while standing in the pose today. I actually had to grind my teeth and suck on my tongue to stop myself from vomiting. Okay, no I probably wouldn't have vomited, but it sure felt like it. That can't be good right? I also noticed all these strange little red spots on my calves/ shins afterwards what looks kind of like bursted blood vessels... and then later a huge red spot on my leg where all the vessels seem to be highlighted in bright red. It really freaks me out a bit. Uhh, right. That and the almost fainting the other day... Hmm.. I hope I don't develop a clot or an aneurism or something and just suddenly die on stage. That would be an awful introduction into my 21st year. I hope a simple arnica/ electrolyte fix and some sleep is all I need, but when a normally 9-minute walk home takes 30 minutes I think I have the right to get concerned. I've been walking down the stairs backwards, not because it's cool or anything, but because it's too painful to step down facing forward.

The sun set at 2:58 today. We still have 3 and half more weeks to go until the shortest day of the year. Well, it's actually been beautiful in the evenings/nights/mornings with a generous dose of moonlight shining through my window and the twinkling stars. I can't believe it's almost at the turning around point... It doesn't seem that bad, actually. I mean, it will still be dark for a few months, and in February the sun will be back up until 5 or so. But I think glass half full, it wasn't that bad. I think that the cold will be the true test of my will to live in this country. I have surrendered to "Long Johns" or cotton tights under my jeans and two, sometimes three pairs of socks. Two scarves and my winter jacket. And it will still sink another 20°C. That is what I'm worried about. But I know that I can do it. Generally my outlook on this whole winter-misery thing is pretty good (unless I'm PMSing and then I start to grumble and roll my eyes a bit, but usually I catch myself and with a "you'll-think-normally-again-in-a-few-days" pat on the back I can rationalize with my hormones and overcome it.)

Yeah, okay so today is one of those days where I'm grumbling a bit but mostly because my legs refuse to support my weight and I'm all but crawling around the apartment, and it seems like I haven't had a second to sit down since I've come back from Germany. One potential job interview tomorrow and then finally the weekend! But come on, waking up at 5:30am on the morning after one's 21st birthday doesn't exactly fall in the category of cool-things-to-do. It's actually really uncool. Especially after waking up the same time for the previous 4 days. Grumble. But waking up next to a sweet sleep-mumbler is always a joy. Yes, there's always a bright side.

My birthday was wonderful. I basically ran home from work to bake a dark chocolate orange cake with ginger-orange jelly and pistachios, three loaves of fig & star anise sourdough bread, make a Thai butternut squash soup and some salad. Some of my favorite people in the whole world were there, and two cool art students from SARA where I work. After the opening of some really beautiful presents and once all of our bellies were nicely filled with cocoa heavenliness, we headed outside and my love gave us a wonderful fire poi show. It's the fourth I've seen in the past week and was one of the best presents ever! We (audience) stood under the stars and sickle-shaped moon, watched the whirling of fire in awe and hummed some waldorf-y songs which we all knew. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful evening. I wouldn't have wanted my 21st to be anything else. I never really envisioned a shit-faced kind of birthday. No bar-hopping or casino shenanigans for me! I'm too old for that... Haha, I bake bread and make soup instead. Then go and hula-hoop and hum...God I can be such an old lady and yet such a child at the same time!

Well, now my fingers have been added to the list of sore-body-parts. My tongue is sore from rubbing it against the roof of my mouth to prevent myself from fainting. My eyeballs are sore from focusing and generally from being awake. My legs, neck, shoulders and feet just really hate me. My tooth is sore from biting into a stone that was hidden inside my knäckebröd yesterday! My brain is at the point of giving up and soon I won't have any more clever things to say. But on the bright side, as there always is a bright side, my heart is swell and dandy; full of light and love for all the good people in my life right now and hopefully spilling over to those who need a little light and love.

Oh- speaking of which, it's Thanksgiving. Last year I wrote a post about how strange it is to dedicate only one day to giving thanks. I mentioned that it should be a daily practice, or just a constant practice. Gratitude is such a beautiful thing. I think it's one of the keys to contentment and just makes everyone feel better. I'm not going to write about all the things I'm grateful for, because that would take up brain power which I'm lacking. Aside from my endless gratitude to the moon, stars, sun, (and Jupiter, which I've just learned, protects us from meteors) as well as the earth for its bounty of food and natural beauty, and for mathematics and art and music and all those great things... I am grateful to all the people that are helping me with this new phase of my life, and to those who've helped me come this far. Parents, families, friends, teachers, I probably wouldn't be here without your guidance and support. Much love and thanks.