Latent

It feels like all of Swedens apple trees decided to shed their leaves overnight. And half of the maples as well. I woke up in the dark and when I made my way to work I wondered if I'd somehow skipped an hour. All of a sudden there was so much light everywhere, which is quite unusual when on the cusp of winter. I came to realize that the lack of leaves opened the sky, and at the same time opened my lungs. I was breathing in foggy, miserable white sky and it was beautiful. It wasn't sad at all. It was more of a meditative deep breath of clarity and understanding that the leaves too deserve to rest.

Think about leaves as if they had eyes; each a witness to the stories that merge and separate below, in all their glories and horrors. Consider that a leaf can't turn its back on rape, murder, robbery, teasing, and as solemnly sworn to silence as each leaf is, it carries the burden of witness like no other. Maybe leaves rustle in chatter amongst themselves to release their daily spectacles, but they cannot speak the weight of a year. Of course, leaves see the wonderful things too: the couple marrying in the orchard, the child, overjoyed at his new balloon, the songwriter's epiphany... No wonder that leaves turn colors after months of enduring such highs and lows. Their very structure can't absorb any more information and for two or three weeks they tell the tales of our lives. But then the leaves must sleep, be released from the chains of knowledge and escape into a dark, quite world, buried beneath our complex footsteps and the imminent snow. Bless them, they deserve to rest. And the tree itself deserves to be purified of this patchwork of observed emotions and actions. It has to carry all the leaves in their silenced distress. But now the breathing happens. They rough bark has eyes too and also watches the happenings of the world, but touch a tree in the winter and you'll find that the spirit is sleeping deep in the trunk, almost inaccessible to the human touch. The trees are no longer there for us. We need to do the breathing ourselves. To reach out and connect with the air, the wisps of inspiration that spiral outward from behind our ears and follow the latent lines to our futures.

* * *

The weatherman is predicting possible SNOW on Sunday, and minus temperatures both Friday and Saturday! I'm super well prepared for winter and I'm excited for it. I have all my clothing ready for when temperatures drop into the negatives. I've established a stable exercise situation for myself—I love my gym and it comes with a Sauna, which is so incredible. I have found random bits of work that I can at least use to propel myself onward. This is just a journey anyway. I feel like a squid (which by the way is one of my favorite animals and will hopefully one day ink itself onto my back—har har) or other cephalopod, with jet propulsion as my form of movement, taking long pauses between bursts of progression. But each pause is filled with reflection and a welling of inspiration that allows me to continue on to the next move. (Sidenote: today I started writing a story about a squid who was born with only 7 tentacles and his family and friends make fun of him...we'll see how that goes. Watch for it under "word by julia.")

Anyway, out of the 9 art schools that I'd contacted about modeling, 4 have responded. One has booked me for a few weeks of poses starting at the end of this month and today I got a phone call from Konstfack, Sweden's largest art school, and one of the most reputable. They asked if I was available on Thursday. Soon my bobular (made up word) comfort zone will be cracked and I'll slip out like an egg yolk. Agh, I'm kind of scared but then again not really. This is good. It's good to be uncomfortable and do things that kind of make you wince inside. Jump out of a plane. Stand naked for a few hours in front of the best art students in the country... same same. I've done the former so the latter shouldn't be too horrible. No, I'm looking forward to the liberation and hopefully the peace it will bring. And I'm really done working in the food industry for a while. But for now I'll rest myself like the lovely fallen leaves until the morning and start the day breathing a'fresh.