Skydive into the New Year

I decided to end 2012 in a non-traditional way. No fireworks, no drinking, no ridiculousness. This year has been extremely bumpy for me: severe ups that led me to believe I was on a good-streak and then crushing downs that had me nearly giving up. It took a lot of energy for me to deal with such an emotional roller-coaster. Especially where family affairs are concerned. Well, on the night of the 30th, a friend of mine invited me to go skydiving with her on her birthday (the 31st.) I considered it for a few minutes, found absolutely no reason to say no and decided to join her. It's been a dream of mine to go skydiving since I was 16, and the opportunity presented itself, so I took it.

I realized that it was a perfect way to end the year and start a new, hopefully more constant one. I decided that as I jumped out of the plane I would take all the stress, pain, sadness, accumulated guilt from the past two decades, fears, negative thoughts and memories and let them all go. It would be a sort of release of energy into the atmosphere, to be recycled into positive experiences, memories and thoughts. And that is exactly what I did. It just so happened that when we got into the plane I was seated as the first to jump. It was a bit nerve wracking flying up and gaining altitude. The door was  opened and yet I still had a few minutes to wait. I felt my heart pounding and my lungs curling up behind my ribs. But I wasn't as nervous as I was when I took the SATs. I paid for a photographer to come and jump alongside me and my tandem-instructor. He climbed out of the plane like a ninja and held onto the edge of the vessel and my instructor scooted us out to the edge and that was it. I clambered over the edge and saw the deep blueness of the Pacific Ocean 10,000 feet below. "Holy. Fucking. Shit! This is it!" I thought. And then we jumped and I let out an involuntary cry, not a scream.

The free-fall was by far the best part. The wind or air (not sure what it was) rushed over me, enveloped me, shifted my skin off of my muscles, stretched my nostrils, and cleansed my mind & soul. Oh, it was so fucking good. I let go of the baggage and felt myself weightless fly through the atmosphere. I definitely have a very strong connection to the earth, through farming, gardening, hiking etc, I've developed a kinship with that element. But this experience made me understand the importance of the sky and air to our world. I saw the world below and the connection was made in my mind that oxygen and winds and water in the air and all of those elements are vital for life on earth. I can't explain it, but it was some sort of physical and mental epiphany. I became air and so I understood its importance to our planet. And the world below me was so beautiful. The waves moved perfectly towards the mountains. The mountains stood steadfast and strong and accepted the waves. The vegetation adorned the land and the sun illuminated it all. I could have died that moment and I wouldn't have cared because life is so beautiful and everything is perfect. Then the parachute yanked me out of my fantastical high and I vertically hovered down to earth. My instructor let me control the parachute a bit, and we did extremely wide turns. I liked the falling part better but this was still spectacular. And I thought that hiking the Kalalau trail on the Na Pali coast was cool.. Pshh...

I felt a bit of vertigo as we approached the ground. It was coming at me too fast, and I already was missing the looseness and ease of the air. But we are beings of gravity so I could do nothing but accept my fate, and stretched my feet out for a very smooth landing. For the next hour I wasn't sure if it had really happened or if I'd just imagined it. And then the adrenaline took over. For hours and hours and hours I was wired. And then I crashed and lost all desire to go and celebrate New Years Eve. I would start the year without a hangover, without a headache, and with a cleansed mind and heart.

When we were all grounded again, we gathered in the office and got to watch the video, and at a certain part my instructor and I looked like a giant spider spinning quickly through the clouds. I found it hilarious and couldn't control my laughter. My giggles led to an incredible release of tears streaming down my cheeks. I was crying, and laughing? Was I sane, or not? And it happened again later when I watched looked through the photos at home. I laughed and then cried and cried and couldn't stop. What happened to all that incredible self control and steeled emotion of mine? In a way it was great, because I could actually cry, something very rare. It was perfect to start all over this year, refreshed and with a completely new view of the world.

Hopefully the release will be permanent and things won't close up and cave in again. I like this open contentment. Happy New Year Everyone!