Let me go, Hawaii

This year off has been interesting to say the least. The downtime has been necessary for me to revitalize my passions, understand my true interests and come to certain conclusions about where I want to go in my life. Technically, today I should be starting the semester at UH, enrolled in the Botany department. But there have been so many roadblocks in registering and actually getting classes, that I am completely disheartened and realize that I actually don't want to be at UH. No, not if I'm being honest with myself. I never really wanted to go there. Since I was 11 years old I've wanted to move [back] to California; not to Germany, nor to stay in Hawaii.

I've taken so many of Hawaii gifts, and gratefully so, but I am ready now to move on. It is such a beautiful yet intense place. The nature is breathtaking but threatening. Flowers are not delicate, five-petaled crowns of translucent perfection, but monsters; rubbery, resilient, heavy and scary. They are fascinating and terrifying. I'm ready to let down my guard a bit, to stop having to be so strong, to have to handle such monsters every time I go on a hike. I'm ready to look at flower and feel its helplessness, its minuteness. I want to feel the femininity that flowers bring, and stop being a warrior every time I walk through the woods—or should I say the jungle. I want to be a woman, not a man. I want to cry when I behold daisies and geraniums, not marvel at the passion and arrogance of heliconias. Hawaii, you've hardened me and taught me to steel myself against that which fascinates me,  yet doesn't quite find truth in me. And for that I thank you. But I can't hold up much longer.

Delicate

Beautiful Monster

Beautiful Monster

 Your tradewinds are cleansing and enthralling; your beaches and waters are pristine and enchanting; your nature is rich from your fiery, volcanic soils, but your spirit is driving me away. I'm crumbling under your tantalizing vistas, your dangerous shorebreaks, your blinding summer light. You'll always be one of my homes, but right now I need a break, because I'm using up all of energy just to keep my breath and stay alive while you have me in your grip.

I'm ready to move back to California. I need a place that lets me breathe, lets me be me. I can't fight here anymore, because I don't want to die a warrior, uninspired, nothing to my name. Let me go, Hawaii.