Thyme, Thyme for Kindergarden Soup

I hate to admit it, but I kind of miss Germany. Noooo I swore I would never miss that place. But I do, I cannot tell a lie. Shit. Why? Why am I like this? I feel like I can never be in one place for too long before I get homesick for another place. It's like some weird fever that completely consumes me once it hits. Is it because I've just been around so much, and that growing up I never really had one hometown that I am like this? Speaking of which, don't ask me where I'm from. I despise that question... well only when people don't allow me the time that the answer deserves. I don't fricken' know what to tell you. Home is where the heart is. Yeah... that's all over the place lately.

Where am I from? Where do I want to be? Right now I miss quaint houses with gardens and countrysides. I miss chilly nights and pine trees. But at the same time I'm loving the tropics and the beach and this paradise where I'm at. But something in me always wants the opposite. The grass is always greener, right? I hate that about myself. I mean, it's not that I'm ungrateful. I don't take this place for granted. But for some reason I just get island fever.

I can hike and run and drive around the island as much as I want, I can even fly to other islands and hike obscene trails there... but it doesn't seem to quench my thirst for something more. I feel so greedy. In the end all I really want is a humble house on a farm with my own vegetables and a few goats... Why is that so much to ask for? It's not like I've got luxury houses with breathtaking vistas and 5-star cruises on my wish-list. I don't want a walk-in closet or a ton of shoes. I don't want a shopping spree or a pedicure. I just want a fricken' home with a garden. Why then is that such a problem? Well because I don't want that to be anywhere...  I guess I've just been spoiled by living in the Bay Area and Hawaii. Both prime destinations that I can't get out of my head...but it's not my fault–my parents moved me to those places. Well I'm not about to blame them, if anything I'm even more grateful for the opportunities and the experiences...but seriously, it's got me confused.

. . .

I made a soup from scratch this evening, from the rests of vegetables that I'd saved from Thanksgiving: sort of flimsy carrots, the top parts of leeks that people normally don't eat, the bushy part of celery tops, and eggplant and zucchini that were being given away at the cafe where I work. I used miso, instead of oil, the way we do it at work. I chopped up some fresh parsley from the garden and threw in a few sprigs of thyme and a bay leaf. Salt & pepper and vuala: Waldorf Kindergarten Soup.

 The waft instantly transported me back to San Francisco Waldorf's aftercare snack-time, which I got to participate in on on Thursdays after my flute lesson. Thursday was soup day. And the best soup ever. Mostly because the kindergarten teachers made it and kindergarten teachers have more love that they know what to do with, so they naturally stirred a bit of it into the soup. Mmm.. after hours of climbing trees in the fog, we had to wash our hands and line up for hand-inspection at the door of the kindergarten room. When we got the all clear "Fingers Clean," we sat around small, wooden tables, and slurped the hot soup in our knitted sweaters. Memory Lane for REAL! I haven't smelled kindergarten soup for such a long time.

At the dinner table, as my parents enjoyed my version of kindergarten soup, they told me about the first homes they ever bought. Apparently my dad bought his first house when he was 24. He got married at 20! My mom bought her first condo at 26, she was married at 22. Uhhhh.... wait, I'm 20. I'm fricken' 20 years old and... holy shit life goes fast. I can't decide if this is awesome or scary. I want a house... but usually that "dream" sits in a greenish cloud somewhere in my brain, like yeah, that's years away. But maybe not... maybe it's actually a realistic thing to think about. But... that's scary... what, am I supposed to get married now too? NO... months are going by so fast already. We're moving into December. DECEMBER! Didn't I just move back to Hawaii? Was it really a year ago that I was laboring over seemingly pointless 8-hour chem. labs and then trudging back to my apartment through the horrid slush-rain? Time.....

I want to grow up. I want my home and my farm and my family. And my healing plants that will help others. And who knows what else...But at the same time I want my kindergarten soup... I want to be the kind of mom who makes that for her kids... but I don't want to be a mom yet–oh god! NO... life. STOP HAPPENING SO FAST!

I'm going back to school in a month. Hopefully that will help me focus on something other than this pool of anxiety-causing questions. I need to be able to sleep tonight. I have to be at work at 6:45am. See... this is where I need my herbal garden with valerian and chamomile, so that I can just walk out and brew myself a midnight sleeping tea without batting an eyelash.... but when will I have that.... oh god, this is a vicious cycle.