Whether the Weather be good....

... or whether not! I have been in Tübingen, Germany for about a month and a half now. This is the first time that I've really been able to watch the seasons progress. I used to live in San Francisco, and I did get a taste of fall there, but it doesn't come close to what I'm experiencing here.

I'm now understanding the misery of an on-coming winter. The fatigue, the body aches, the lack of motivation. It's a really scary thing to be hit with as a person from the tropics. I am, however finding my way through it... or at least I'm coming close to discovering how to.

Studying medicine is so scientific.

I've always wanted to become a doctor... but I hate the one-sidedness of the "Med-School" curriculum. Doctors need a balanced understanding of natural sciences AND of something more. Something that allows them to build a bridge to other humans.

We can reduce ourselves to chemical reactions, subatomic particles, basal membrane and microtubules. But does that mean we should? Of course it is important to get an overview of how the body "works" chemically and mechanically. But that should not be all.

I really hate hearing about chromosomes, valence electrons, double-hydrogen bonds blah-dee-blah. I want to learn to make people feel better, to save lives, to bring healthy babies into the world. I want to build my patients up as multifaceted creatures that move, think, love. And I want to ensure that they can continue doing so for as long as possible.

I don't want to send my patients out the door as a checklist of potentially-sick cells, along with a bottle of pills.  I want them to leave my office glowing with light and balance, emitting a sign of health.

So should I consider holistic medicine instead? Maybe. But the problem is that I want to be an MD, because I believe in western (as well as holistic) medicine. I do see the good in antibiotics, in certain therapies, in organ transplants, in surgery. At least with an MD I can practice some of both. But to achieve that, I have to just go through with this awful dehumanizing education (hint, I was Waldorf student...)

I guess that's the hardest part about this first winter. Everything is gray. The trees are crying tears of leaves. The fields are frozen. And I'm sitting in lecture halls with hundreds of others, learning that everything can be broken down.  And some nights I have to work on cadavers. It's a very erie mixture, I don't think I like it.

I guess I just need to set time aside to do something different. Too much of this medicine is going to drive me crazy. My spirit can't handle it. I need to paint or knit or find something loving to do.

I spend my days wishing I had children. Innocent little beings that just know how to "be." They don't worry about abstract ideas, deconstruction, death. They just live their moments at peace with themselves and the world around them. I kind of miss childhood, but I can't say that I would turn back time. Maybe just have children of my own....

Coming to my other big thought. I've always wanted to be a mother. Doctor. Mother. Doctor. Mother. Is it possible to be both?